“Now you will awaken feeling calm and relaxed.”

Art by Anna-Laura Sullivan

As part of my daily routine, I have now incorporated some gut-directed hypnotherapy to see if I can ease some of my unpleasant symptoms (aka: I still want to poop more). It requires me to sit or lie down and listen to an audio recording for about 18 minutes. Usually I just fall asleep. I’m told that’s okay? I’ll take it.

Well today I was anything but falling asleep.

I woke up at 6:00AM in a panic. Why? I couldn’t tell you. Or my boyfriend. Or my plants. Or the flies that have recently decided to swarm my apartment windows. And as we all know, nothing is more relaxing to an anxious person than not knowing why they are anxious. (I’m kidding, it’s actually the absolute worst).

So I got myself up to listen to a slightly creepy English voice (I call her Elizabeth) guide me through my daily 18 minute visualization.

And I could not chill the fuck out for the life of me.

Our session went a bit like this:

Elizabeth: “You will begin to feel calmer as we move on…”

Me: Does not feel calmer.

Elizabeth: “Your bowel habits are shifting to normal. This will allow you to pass a bowel movement easily, and effortlessly, with no emergency, and a sense of complete evacuation.”

Me: Farts.

Elizabeth: “Your mind will begin to interpret pleasant sensations inside of your body from this moment on.”

Me: Chest tenses up more because I am not feeling pleasant sensations, and now I feel like I’m letting Elizabeth down NO, ELIZABETH–

Elizabeth: “Enjoy the relief of knowing there are positive changes happening in your body.”

Me: Feels absolutely no relief

Elizabeth: “Now you will awaken feeling calm and relaxed”.

And as my eyes opened I did not, in fact, feel calm or relaxed.

All I could do was stare at my feet, my slightly dirty white socks reflecting the light from the window

And then I noticed…

Wait.

My feet weren’t feeling tense, or on fire. They weren’t feeling like a lemon being squeezed to death like I was feeling in my chest. And my legs? They actually felt heavy and cool.

So I just stared at my feet and legs for a bit. I stopped thinking about how I had failed Elizabeth. And even though the tightness in my chest didn’t magically disappear, it was comforting to acknowledge that there was a part of me that was…dare I say, feeling calm and relaxed?

And that made things a little less overwhelming.